To Kiss or Not to Kiss...

“By all means!” says majority of the younger generation. “What you do in private you can project on the screen provided you make the performance a work of art.” Many kissophiles have lined up behind this. I read in an article from an old magazine that a filmmaker I.S.Johar leads the camp with a film devoted entirely to the history and development of the art of kissing from the Vedic (everything in Hindu India begins with the Vedas) down to the present times. The kissophobes (i.e., those against public demonstration thereof) appear to be in the majority. “It is against Hindu tradition,” they say—notwithstanding eloquent testimony to the contrary at Konark, Khajuraho and innumerable other temples and caves. They echo Swift’s sentiments: “Lord! I wonder what fool it was that first invented kissing.” But having been invented, there is little excuse to propagate it from the screen, they say. There is substance in this argument. Our film stars are anyhow given to hamming & over-acting. If you grant them the liberty to kiss instead of gently rubbing noses or softly joining lips—“a rose-red dot upon the letter ‘i’ in loving” (Rostand)—our screen kiss may recall Shakespeare’s lines in Taming of the Shrew:
‘This done, he took the bride about the neck
And kiss’d her lips with such a clamorous smack
That at the parting, all the church did echo’.

Those who know the reaction of Indian audiences will agree that our cinema halls will not only echo to the ‘clamorous smack’ of parting lips but also to prolonged derisive smacks, cat-calls & whistles. Each kiss on the screen will have to be followed by a 10-minute interval.
There are other hazards. What if hero or heroine suffers from halitosis or has liberally partaken of garlic/onion before shooting? The scripted dialogue “I love you” (how limited we are in expression of affection!) .ay suddenly change into a monosyllabic ‘ugh’! This opens new vistas to advertisers of breath-fresheners & toothpastes-- & perhaps the medical profession. Kissing, we are told can be a serious health hazard as it transfers millions of death-dealing microbes from 1 amorous mouth to another. But kissing need not necessarily is labial. Landor recommended a pleasanter alternative. ‘It is delightful to kiss the eyelashes of the beloved—is it not? But never as delightful as fresh tears are on them.’ It is obvious that Landor never kissed an Indian starlet with kohl or mascara in her eyes. Otherwise he might have taken a darker view on the subject. Well, if you can’t kiss on the nose (halitosis) or lips(health), what are the alternatives? Ears? No. It might produce a giggle, even a shiver down the spine. Thus, notwithstanding the erotica on our places of worship, we say ‘No.’
Let the kissophiles & kissophobes get together & settle the argument—with a kiss. All said & done, ‘a kiss is a method of procedure, cunningly devised, for the mutual prevention of speech at a time when words are superfluous’.
On which side am I? I’ll tell you through my favorite anecdote on the subject. A hero of World War-I was approached by a young girl & asked: ‘Did you kill a German?’ The hero replied in the affirmative. ‘With which hand did you do it?’ demanded the girl. ‘With this right hand.’ The young girl took the hand & kissed it. An officer who was watching the proceedings exploded: ‘Heavens, man, why didn’t you tell her that you bit him to death?’